Self-Esteem Doesn’t Matter.
Or, at least, probably not as much as you think, or how you think.
Wild Goose Chase: What is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is like our internal scorecard, a measure of how much we value and respect ourselves. It's not about feeling better than others; it's about feeling okay with being uniquely you, quirks and all. Self-esteem is often seen as this magical quality that will unlock success, happiness, and fulfillment. Now, you might think this is the golden ticket to happiness, but let's pop that bubble. Focusing solely on boosting self-esteem is like putting a Band-Aid on a broken leg – it might cover the problem, but it doesn't fix it. Instead, our self-esteem is shaped by our actions, our successes, and our failures. In other words, self-esteem is the byproduct of our interactions, achievements, and our stumbles.
The Illusion of Boosting Self-Esteem
We've all heard advice similar to: "Believe in yourself, and everything will work out." If only it were that simple, right? The truth is, self-esteem isn't something you can inflate like a balloon with a few pep talks in the mirror. There's a popular belief that if we could just pump our self-esteem high enough, life would be a breeze. This notion is about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. Self-esteem is built through real experiences and achievements. Think about it – when was the last time you felt a genuine boost in self-worth? Was it when you nailed a presentation, finally beat that level in your favorite video game, or met some other goal? Exactly.
And here's a fun fact: research suggests that trying too hard to boost self-esteem might actually backfire. Baumeister and colleagues (2003) kind of threw cold water on the self-esteem furor, arguing that the correlation between self-esteem and school performance is misunderstood, in fact, backward. Success leads to confidence, not the other way around. We've been putting the self-esteem cart before the success horse.
What is the alternative to addressing self-esteem, then?
Frequently, clients or their concerned parents express a desire to "improve self-esteem." However, targeting self-esteem as a standalone goal misses the mark. That is, “improving self-esteem” is not an appropriate treatment goal. Our self-esteem is shaped by our life's rewards, challenges, and social interactions. Our experiences with rewards, punishments, and social feedback all contribute to our sense of self-esteem. For example, if we are praised for doing something well, we are more likely to feel good about ourselves and have higher self-esteem. Alternatively, if we are criticized or punished for something, we may feel worse about ourselves and have lower self-esteem. Understanding this dynamic reveals that addressing our environment and behaviors offers a more helpful route.
Nurturing self-esteem through environment and behavior modification. A family engages together in various constructive activities, emphasizing growth, warmth, and supportive relationships.
Consider the case of a family worried about their child's low self-esteem, with the child avoiding school, neglecting activities, and exhibiting problematic behaviors. They are fixated on boosting self-esteem but overlook the underlying issues. Addressing the child's engagement with school, physical activity, and behavior is key to initiating positive changes, far beyond mere self-esteem enhancement. Let's get them engaged with school, introduce some physical activity, and tackle those behavioral issues head-on rather than attempting to just slap on a metaphorical "you're awesome" sticker and call it a day. This might require significant changes or challenges with adopting new expectations and rules for your child or using rewards in different ways.
Self-esteem can be changed by modifying our experiences and increasing our chances of being praised or receiving positive reinforcement to boost our self-esteem or minimize negative behaviors that can lower our self-esteem. Self-esteem can better be understood by looking at our environment or modifying our behavior.
What about affirmations?
Affirmations tend to be popular. Let's take affirmations as an example of something someone might do to increase self-esteem. The research on the efficacy of affirmations for improving self-esteem is mixed (Flynn & Bordieri, 2020), and it is not entirely clear how much they influence a change in behavior. General affirmations, such as "I am a good person" or "I am deserving of love," may not be as effective as more specific affirmations, such as "I am resilient" or "I can persevere." This is because if the affirmation doesn't align with how we already see ourselves, it may be hard to believe and may even lead to an internal debate that convinces us of the opposite (e.g., "I am not good enough").
However, there may still be value in using affirmations that remind us, or reorientation us to our goals and values. By verbalizing what is important to us, we can stay focused on those values and goals. It's important to prioritize the process of becoming the person we want to be, rather than simply repeating affirmations to attempt to boost our self-esteem. For example, asking ourselves questions like "Who do I want to be?" and "What qualities do I want to embody?" can be more important than simply repeating statements like "I am confident" or "I am successful." The key is making affirmations that align with your real goals and values. Instead of generic feel-good phrases, focus on what truly matters to you and the steps you're taking to get there. It's about reinforcing the journey, not just the destination.
Wrapping it up:
It is only through setting goals, challenging yourself, and putting yourself out there that will allow you to build self-esteem. You shouldn't wait to have better self-esteem to do those things. It is the doing that builds self-esteem. By gradually exposing yourself to challenging situations and succeeding in smaller, manageable tasks, your confidence can grow over time. Additionally, developing good social support systems plays an important role in building self-esteem. Creating a supportive environment where people receive positive feedback and reinforcement from friends, family, or peers can validate your efforts and encourage you to continue working on your goals or aims or provide more confidence.
Ultimately, it's the actions we take to become the person we want to be that will lead to a stronger sense of self-esteem, but it's our behavior that should be the focus. Often, behavior needs to change, before feelings change.
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I serve Las Vegas, NV, and Nevada statewide, Portland, OR, and all of Oregon statewide (in addition to 38+ PsyPACT states) via teletherapy. You may call me at (702) 530-6134, schedule an initial consultation, or use the contact form to take the first step.
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Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness, or Healthier Lifestyles? Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 4(1), 1–44. https://doi.org/10.1111/1529-1006.01431
Flynn, M. K., & Bordieri, M. J. (2020). On the failure to replicate past findings regarding positive affirmations and self-esteem. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 16, 49–61. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcbs.2020.03.003
